where do i stand?

people often say that medicine is not an easy course. i for one, agree with such statement. however, this did not deter me from taking up the course. maybe im up for the challenge or maybe i was being too over confident with myself. thinking that it was just another examination another study that i had to go through.

the past few months however has proven me wrong. i no longer wanted to be student who scored just good enough to stayed on the course. the course has turned out to be something rather personal to me. id always say that the main reason im in medicine was because of my mother. id ditch anatomy anytime for a feel of the law field. that where my true heart lies. or so i say.

however, being for almost a year in monash and a year doing medicine, it sure does prove that you cant just have the brains for memorizing the facts, u have to have the passion to love it as well. love every single bit of it. then, ud know what it really feels like to be able to the person who will one day save so many lives.

id suppose my asian side has always made me feel a bit shy and constantly apologizing on every single thing that i do. However, after today's hospital visit, i realised that that was not good enough. if i were to ever become a doctor one day, id remember to look back and be reminded of the words of one patient that i met today. her words were simple yet meaningful. she said "its okay, you have to practiceto be a good doctor. dont be sorry. you have to go on, and be strong and firm about it." and then it hit me, this patient had so much faith in me, she trusts me enough to know that i am able to be a better person and a better doctor, if only i allowed myself to be one.

so hence, the question that i asked myself while walking home just now, so how much do i wanted this? how badly do i want this? and if its that bad, why not go and get it? hell it, no one's gonna help you get there unless you work your ass.

so now, today onwards, i know where i stand. do you?

8 more days!

i have actually started to plan on the things that id want to do in malaysia even before ive even finished my exams :/ thats how bad i am. oh dear god, ease my paper please? 

just a random thought i had a few days ago.

you dont need a superman to protect you from your fears, you dont need a time machine to go back and fix your mistakes, you dont need superpowers to fight away your demons, because all you need is a friend that could help you stand up to your fears, help you learn from your mistakes and help you chase away your demons. 

and the best of friends are the ones that reminds you of Him. jzkk sisters for always being there for me. you know who you are :)

whats on my mind?

how do you explain a feeling thats not meant to be expressed? *some random thought.

so, its like 3 weeks to going back to malaysia and i can barely contain my excitement. :D i miss malaysian food so badly and the preparation to the wedding would be oh-so-exciting :) hopefully i'll be able to lose as much weight before flying off. -,- dear lemak, pergi main jauh2 please.

however, the exams would be coming before that and im not sure if my mental state is registering that. i just kept on flying off back to malaysia in my mind and cant really properly focus on my studies. *slaps own self. better get my PHANG mood .i will sprint all the way to the end and finish strong. jyeah! :) hopefully my end of semester exams are a bit better than my mid sem :/ hopefully.

so yesterday, we welcome a new family member to the family. our very own little wan mohd faris wan mohd firdaus :) he's adorable that one. im sure. thats all id like to say.

so, what's really on my mind? friends, food, and malaysia :(

and which of His favours do you deny?

often i have questioned of why i was placed in monash. i would have been happily in ireland doing a twinning programme with PMC or in newcastle where at least there's another malay in my med cohort. but noooo, i had to choose monash because of its so called the best uni in aussie, blablabla. T.T ( forgive my rantings )

but countless times has He given me small small things to remind me on how He knows whats good for me. a fact, I have, one of too many times tend to forget.

sometimes, being here in clayton, id just be so frustrated with myself. id honestly say, up until now i have no decent friend where i cud just walk around with or anything along those lines, and numerous times, this would come as a surprise to my friends as they'd think im such a friendly figure and friends shudnt be in the list of my social problems. well, apparently coming to monash is one of the exceptions then. hence, the more reasons id want to get myself out of this place. 

and yet again, He showed me a sign on why He put me in this place.

reason 1 : today, i met an elderly caucasian woman who was so friendly, she even offered me a jellybean, which i politely declined since i was not sure whether or not it was halal -,- so we chatted for a while, while waiting for the pedestrian light to turn green and at the end of the walk, before we parted ways, she said to me. "i'm politely saying this but I dont get to meet much muslim girls around here and it was really nice to have met you" she smiled, beamingly and i felt so touched by that. we parted ways, but her words kept replaying in my mind as if it was glued on replay or something.

at that moment, she just made me realise that, that moment, that conversation, that realisation of hers, That's why im here, god put me here for that reason. okay, you guys might think im not making sense. like what the hell is this girl rambling about?

okay, hear me out here, this woman, never ever have met a muslim girl, met me, a simple not so pious muslim girl donning the hijab, and she was touched by our such brief meeting. what if, from our conversation, i have made her more interested in islam, what if she now has a different perspective on islam now having to talk to me? im pretty sure i was treating her nicely and all, outlined by everything the religion taught me in treating an elderly. hence, i might have even open her mind about how good islam is. so yeah, those kind of things makes me realise that, having friends or not. being popular or not, stressful or not. He put me here, in monash, for a reason. heck it, it might take me the whole 5 years to finally come to a satisfaction to the life I have now, but one thing is for sure, ever since i came here, He has never failed to make me smile over the small reasons that He showed me on why I am here. and that just now, was one of it.

so, ask yourself now, which of His favours do you deny?

new life.

i must say living in clayton has its ups and downs.

but i love it here. everything is much more interesting and being the only malay in the 300 ++ cohort of over competitive and brilliant med kids it mind challenging. but i guess ill just figure out a way around.

exams are around the corner and hopefully i'll get around my studies till then. there's so much to catch up with. T.T

so far, ive realised karma has a weird way to get around my mind. somehow, since coming here, ive realised taht my english isnt as fluent as i though it was. not that it was any fluent anyways. -,- but ive never had a problem trying to express myself before. being here, it made me realise that im just that dumb, and somehow ive become those people who looks like they have no opinion in class. :( ive always wondered how come people dont like to say anything in class before, but now i know how it feels like to be THAT person. :'(

hoping for better days to come. insyaAllah.

why dont you work?

so the thing is, ive been on a post-ib-but-8-months-long vacation since may as my next flight out of this country comes in february. ( one of the not-so-perks of going to australia ) but other than that, life has been owh-so-awesome. yes, im not even kidding.

but rather, it gets to my nerves that people has endlessly been asking me what have i been doing for the past 5 months and what am i going to do for the next 3 months. seriously, get of my back people. -_____-" i'll have you know that i do not intend to become a potato couch for the rest of the holiday, so yes, i have been doing stuff. and up until now, my iPod's calendar is the living proof that everyday brings a new errand or getaway vacation for me. so yes, that was what i have been doing EVERYDAY for the last 5 months. so please, do not ask me why i'm not working.

i have this mentality that i'll be working every second of everyday of my life when i start to work ( yes, more not so awesome facts on being a doctor ), so why bother to work now? i'm dedicating my 8 months of free time especially for my family and friends ( the ones that have flew away and the ones that are still here :) )

so, here's cheers for the next 3 months of holiday.

someone like you

if he can change his mind about you now,

he sure hell can change his mind about you later as well. so dump the jerk, and screw the song.

we don't need "someone like you".

we DESERVE someone BETTER.