departure.

The feeling in my heart is too heavy for a person to feel and contain. To hard for one to bear. Teardrops started to fall as the row moved gently forward. The cheering of the crowd was fading away as I closed my eyes and searched deep inside of me for a familiar face. For a strength to face the world. A gentle touch swapped me away from my thoughts.

“It’s your turn next,” she said.

My best friend.

Liyana Athirah.

There she was, pretty as she has always been, blinking thoughtfully and staring endlessly at my tears.

Traitors! I cursed back at my flowing tears. I watched her hands caress my face, wiping the tears. It was as if I was a little girl being offered comfort after scratching her knee. She smiled back at my gloomy face, trying hard not to allow her tears to betray her. I pushed the limbs of my face to reply the smile. The best that I could do was to stop the tears. She hugged me at that very moment.

“I’m so proud of you girl.”

Those words flashed back a thousand memories in my mind. Bringing me back to the very first time I saw my long lost friend. The one that has stood by me through my darkness. My pain.

Venue. The cafeteria.

3rd of April 2007

Urgh... bother this stupid school. I don’t care. I’m going home. I’m done with all this pretending. I don’t belong here.

The flood in my eyes started to overflow, moving silently down my cheeks. My roommate, Arina saw this. She tried to comfort me but ended in vain. What was she to do? It’s only been the second day of school but I’m crying as though the world was going to end at that very moment. Pretty childish you might say.

Then I saw her face. The face that somehow seemed to belong somewhere deep in my complex brain. There she was, eating her morning breakfast silently. Chicken porridge to be exact. It can’t be her can it? Awkwardly and somehow quite abruptly, I started the conversation with the most cliché verse.

“Hi! What’s your name?”

As if we were still in standard one. But out-of-shock she smiled back and replied.

“I’m Liyana,”

A huge lump dropped out of nowhere to fill in my throat and pushing my sorrows with it. Oh my god... it must be her.

“Liyana? Liyana Athirah bt Ruzaimi?”

Pretty strong for a first conversation but I just could not help but think that she was the girl that I’ve been missing all this years. My very first best friend.
Her reply was history. Everyone knew what happened next.

Fats and leeya.

That’s what they called us.

* * *

She gently let me go as the line was coming to an end. I was next.
“Wan Nur Fatin bt Wan Mohd. Fuaad,” the name roared from the speaker and filled the hall.

I took a deep breath. I faked a smile and walked up the stage. The huge graduation robe swing side to side as it drapes over my body covering the new baju kurung. I had the whole protocol procession memorized and played back and forth in my mind. Carefully I took my graduation scroll and smiled to the camera. The cheer of the crowd muted as I searched for that face.

“adek...”, a voice broke through the loudness.

Found it.

I replied the huge grin that was covering her face. The wrinkles on her face seemed to have disappeared for a while as she contained her joy. I searched her face for the familiarity. It wasn’t hard to look as it was flashing as though it’s been there for quite a while now. Her eyes were puffy and wet. The crowd was buzzing around me with wishes and excited screams. Somehow, all of it just passed through me without waking me from my stare. I ran to her without caring about the world anymore. They just had to wait.

“I did it!” .a cry of joy.

“I’m so proud of you princess. I knew you could do it” she said. Cradling me in her arms.

You see... Nothing in the world mattered except for her. She was the reason I continued to strive in life. In this god forbid school. The reason you would get out of bed to read those dreadful text books. The reason that you would do absolutely anything just so that she would be proud. Anything.

The pearly tears started to prickle down my face. I didn’t much care about it this time around. Silent sobs was audible as we stood there, wrapped in each other’s arms. The hug went loose as I decided it was time to go and congratulated the others. It was after all, graduation day.

The crowd was crazy as I tried to manoeuvre myself around it. A smiling face made me stopped my endless search. She was jumping around like crazy. She was my spectacled monkey.

Again my own mind carried its own course as I was brought back to the time we had together.

The name. Ain Ariffin

One of those days

“Fatsie... can I have some of your maggi...,”
There she goes again, though for ten thousand I reminded her that she need not have to ask. I stick out my tongue trying to mock her as she smiled back happily and searched through my food stock. She ran out happily out of the room almost knocking into my other roommate.

The other. Seri Dayana

The shy but very brilliant roommate and my other conscience.

I giggled by myself at the thought of the sight.

* * *

“ I love you, gedik!” I whispered to her.

She was crying in my arms as I cried in hers. I was her mate in those dreadful nights at the TM utility room. Trying hard to study but I would be the one to gradually fall asleep first. Those were the nights. Sri found her way to us as we smiled and laughed together. Satisfied breaths came out of our lungs as we have finally made our way through all the obstacles.

At that very moment a face came through my mind. Schafi.

“Piglet...” her voice broke through the silence as Aen and Sri went to greet the others.

Nur Shafinaz Bt Rusli. My other piece of self. We argue a lot. Had our share of hardships but we were always there for each other. Leeya and her. My two ohanas. We stayed up late to make sure every program we were part of was a success. The WIFLEs. Ohana Doughnuts. The class banner. Everything. She was my sunshine. We always had our different view in subjects concerning Malaysia and global issues. People may have thought that we were weird but she understood me. There were nights that I would just run away with her and sat somewhere and shared our secrets and cried together.

“I’ll miss you sunshine,” I finally admitted.

“I know... everyone does,” she smiled cheerfully.

I walked carefully past the hallway trying to get myself through the eager parents and to my classroom. My hiding place.

I passed through some familiar faces. Lee... the Badar that was always correcting me but most importantly, my friend. No words were able to express my gratitude towards her presence in my life. Some of the Londoners were there too. Aliea R, Fatiah, Athif. London would have been different without them. I smiled past them.

I reached the class just to find my best buddy was there. Asrul. We teased each other a lot. He helped me through my add maths problem when I struggled through that subject. We smiled at each other.

Commemorating those times made everything much harder to forget. To let go.
I looked back at my class for the very last time. Trying to remember where everyone of my ohana sat. Every incident that has ever happened here. The struggling through SPM. The sleepy preps. And the times we had. Laughing together. I closed my eyes. Capturing the picture and looked away.

On my way to the room, I stumbled upon the other two significant people in my lives. Arel and Emir. I still question myself on how in the world they could have possibly become my friends. Logically these two gentlemen were the two persons I would never picture even making conversation with. But somehow they made their mark in my life and apparently they’re here to stay. I’ll be forever grateful for that. They’re the best buddies one can ever have.

The last stop of my journey. TL 13.

Everyone was there. Aen, Sri, and Leeya. They were trying hard to help me with my heavy luggage and bring it to my car as I tried to help them with their luggage to their car. Silence fell upon us as nobody felt the need for a conversation. Finally, we walked back together to our ‘five star hotel room’. It seemed very awkward to find it very empty and completely deserted. The empty study table that used to be occupied with stacks of revision books. The empty lockers and basketballs lying in the nearby drain. We stared at each other and just playing with the thoughts in our heads. I’ll miss this.

“Dears! hurry up or we’ll miss our plane,” our moms shouted from the our cars.
We looked for the last time the room that all of us has seek refuge from. We made our goodbyes and closed the door for the last time. Leaving it to witness the lives of its next occupants.

We walked back to our respective cars. Back to our own different lives. Never to meet again. Everything would change now.

As I watched the motionless trees that stood near my hostel through the car window, a mixture of feelings was going through me. There were the sadness, anxiety, nervous but no happiness. I tried to recollect back all the memories that I had in Langkawi. The path to the basketball court. Running from the koop to class with Leeya. Giggling on the bed with Aen. Crying with Schafi. Laughing with Lee. Woken up by Sri. Nights that I spent crying myself to sleep. My friends. My homeroomates. My roommates.

As the view of MJSC Langkawi was slowly starting to get swallowed by the rubber trees, I bid my last goodbye to the place that I used to have once called my home.

I tried hard to close that chapter of my life and ready to open a new one.

I may stumble upon the new road but I know somewhere out there, there will be that person that will always be ready to help me get up again. I call them, MY FRIENDS.

*This is my special tribute the people that has been in and out of my life. Though I may have not mentioned your name in the essay but do know that I love all of you much the same and forever grateful for your presence in my life. I do not intend to hurt anyone by writing this essay but if you are somehow offended, I sincerely apologise. To my ohana, I love you so much! Nothing can come in between us. To the Al Qurtubians, do know that I think about you guys every single day that has passed by. My roommates, no one can better the three of you. To my dear friends, thank you for just being there. You saved me from my demons. You made Langkawi into one hell of a fun ride. You guys will always be my uninety.

Sincerely,
fats.